Bill: Hey, folks.

[ Applause ]

Thank you very much.
Okay, let's meet our panel.
The talented and Oscar-nominated star of "Longtime Companion," he's now on "The Practice" Sundays at 10:00 right here on ABC --
Bruce Davison! Hey.

[ Applause ]

How are you, Bruce? Thank you for coming here.
She's the program director for Young America's Foundation --
Miss Melissa Moskal.
Melissa, how are you, honey?
[ Applause ]

Good to see you back here.

Melissa: Good to see you.

Bill: Thank you.
An actor, comedian and author, his new cd is "Now That's Awesome," and he'll be performing at L.A.'s Wiltern theater next Thursday --
Bill Engvall! Bill!
[ Applause ]

Billy, how are you?

Bill Engvall: How are ya? Good to see you.

Bill: Good to see you back.
And one of the original Sex Pistols and host of the VH1's "Rotten TV" --
I love that title.
His presidential debate special will air October 27th, and his documentary film "The Filth and the Fury" is out on dvd --
Johnny Lydon right over here!
[ Cheers and applause ]

John, how are you, sir? Well, if you've been following events that transpired today, you know that George Bush now has to learn where Yemen is.

[ Laughter ]

Because one of our ships was fired upon.
So I don't think that's very funny.
So let's talk about the Middle East.
Whenever this happens, and it happens many times already in my lifetime, where the Arabs and the Israelis go at it, the Palestinians are always sort of deemed the victims in this situation.
And I think they are victims, but they're not the victims of the Israelis.
They're the victims of their own corrupt government.

Johnny: I think both sides are victims of population.
They're both manipulated by what are basically gangster organizations --
the Israeli government and Arafat.
He's manipulating --

Bill: Why is the Israelis --

[ All talking at once ]

Bill: But, why are you saying --
but, Israel is a democracy.
The problem in the Middle East is not Israel, it's that there is no such thing as Arab democracy.

Bruce: I think it's an emotional problem between the cultures more than it is any government.
I think that the Israelis and the Arabs are both children of battered children in a way.
And they're like two scorpions in a bottle.
And they're just fighting it out in a way that, to me, really represents something that I saw 30 years ago.
I was making a film over there 30 years ago, and they had --
it's a real brother-against-brother feeling.
But they have a great sense of emotional investment in --
and it's not over a land or a temple or a place any more than, you know, kids fight over snowball hills.

Melissa: I think that's exactly it.

Johnny: But it is the children trying to impress the bigger kids.
And the bigger kids in this case is the U.S.
And they're almost condoning it.

Melissa: And I really think that they have sort of, in one respect, lost sight of what exactly it is they're fighting for and fighting about.
They've learned that these two sides fight against each other, they have for a really, really long time, and it seems that one generation after another seems to inherit this mentality.
And they just keep going at it.
And it's not, like you said --

Bill: But they haven't for a really long time.
They've only been doing this --

Bruce: For 10,000 years.

[ Laughter ]

Johnny: Since World War II.

Bill: But that's true.
It's really just since World War II.

Melissa: But, that's a long time.

Bruce: I mean, if you wanna go back to the Philistines and the Syrians.
I mean, they've been fighting over the land --

Bill: But, that's not the Palestinians.
That's not the Arabs.

Bill Engvall: Wait, can I --
just 'cause, I've been listening, and I'm trying to learn about this, 'cause I've been watching it obviously on the news.
It just seemed like that one side has guns and tanks, and these other people just throw rocks.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, how tough is it to kick their ass? But yet they must really believe in it.
But my question is --

[ Applause ]

Is there a definite piece of land that somebody had originally?

Bill: No, that's the big lie.

Bill Engvall: Okay, see that's what I didn't know.

Bill: They call it occupied territory.
It's not occupied territory.
Occupied territory would have to imply that it really was at some point Arab land.

Bill Engvall: Right.

Bill: Now, Palestinian, until before the war, referred to Jews.
The Palestinian exhibit at the 1939 world's fair was a Zionist exhibit.

Bruce: But the reality is people have to live somewhere, and they're both there.

Bill: You know what? There are 22 Arab nations with a ridiculous amount of empty land.
Somehow after World War II, 40 million people were expatriated back to countries where they were expelled from.
600,000 Palestinian refugees never were able to go back to their homeland.
Why? I don't know.
Because they wanted this fight against Israel to continue.
Because there is no Arab democracy.
Because these are dictators who rule these countries illegitimately.
And the only way they can maintain power is by the distraction of Israel.

Johnny: Yeah, subterfuge.

Bill: The bitterness.

[ Applause ]

To keep that bitterness going.

Bill Engvall: So they really don't want anything other than just to keep the fight going?

Melissa: They're fighting for the sake of fighting it seems.

Johnny: I know buried under it being a religious situation, which it isn't.
I mean, if you just turn Jerusalem itself into a virginal Las Vegas and reap the financial rewards, instead of religious iconoclasm --
fine, stop the problem.

Bill: I don't know if that would stop the problem, Johnny.

[ Laughter ]

Johnny: Believe me, money solves all.

Bill: But, what I object to is this idea that, "Well, they're both to blame.
It's easy, it's 50/50." No, it's not.
Not if you look at the situation under a microscope.
It's really not that kind of a situation.
I mean, there really isn't a Arab homeland in Palestine that was taken from them.
That is an international mendacity supported by neither any understanding --

Bill Engvall: So why do they feel like that they have to be there then?

Bruce: Yeah?

Bill: Because, as I'm saying, their rulers, of all these Arab countries, are dictators.
The only way they can stay in power is by fomenting hatred against the Jews.
Because otherwise, people will concentrate on what really is the problem, which is that Arafat and his ilks don't do anything for their own people.

[ Applause ]

Bruce: I'd like to put in it something simple that I saw 25 years ago when I was there, when --

Bill: Where were you?

Bruce: --
When there was an 8-year-old boy trying to get a piece of food off a table in the middle of Jerusalem, and an Israeli cop hit him with a rubber club in the face.
The kid went off, he came back with a stick with a nail in it to kill this son of a bitch and was gonna swing it at the --

Johnny: Streets of London to me.

[ Laughter ]

Bill Engvall: Two blocks from here.

Bruce: And then the cop --
I gave the kid the piece of bread and he threw it at me.
But he's gonna come back with a Kalishnikov 25 years later to kill that guy who said, "It's rubber.
It didn't hurt --
look." The thing is, it's an ego-driven fight.

Bill: But the root cause of that --
yes, I agree.
Any time you will put a people in an occupied situation, with police like that, you're gonna get cops who feel that way about the people that they're policing.
That's the nature of the business.
But, the root cause of that is the Arab leaders who have kept their people in that situation.
They didn't have to.
There is a Palestinian country, it's called Jordan.

Melissa: Do you think that if all of the Arab nations became democracies that essentially the whole problem would be solved?

Bill: Well, I think certainly we would --

Melissa: That it would help at least?

Bill: I think anywhere in the world when you go from dictatorship to democracy is an improvement.

Melissa: I agree.
I'm wondering if you think it would solve this particular problem.

Bruce: And they don't live in Jordan.

Johnny: Voting does solve a lot.
Hello, Americans, please vote this election.

[ Applause ]

Bill: Okay, on that note, I have to take a break.
We'll be right back.

[ Applause ]

Bill: Okay, you, as we were going out, you said vote.
And you're not even American.

Johnny: Yes! Hello, I'm well aware that this is the number one country in the world.
So anything that gets voted in here affects every single human being on this planet.
And, hello, I live here, so I do pay interest.
I pay tax, too.

Melissa: Oh, God bless you.

[ Applause ]

Bill: You pay interest? You pay the interest before you even pay the taxes.
Wow, we are ripping off the foreigners.
Well, you know, if you watched the debate last night, and you're still awake --

Johnny: Yawn.

Bill: Yeah, right.
It's sort of come down to, you know, the two oil barons versus the liar and his rabbi.

[ Laughter ]

And what they keep saying in the press is that this election is really now in the hands of the undecided.
You know, there's this little sliver of people who have not decided.
Everybody else has made up their mind, and they're about even.
It's about even, but these two have to get the votes of the --
and I just wanna say to the undecided, if you're still undecided, you're a bunch of morons.

Melissa: Exactly! Exactly.

Bill Engvall: No, don't say that.

Melissa: You're under a rock or you're a moron.

Bill Engvall: No, you cannot --
do you know what? I will tell you what --
and I would say that I am leaning one way, but I have not made up my mind.
And I'll tell you why.
Because neither one of these guys answer a question.
They ask them a question, they go, "Well, my opponent says --
" I don't wanna hear what your opponent says.
I wanna hear what you say.
It's one of these things, that's like --
I watched the first debate --

Johnny: What politician ever has, though?

Bill Engvall: Well, I know, but my question --

Melissa: Even if you're not gonna base your decision on issues and whether they answer questions, at least be like the majority of Americans who base it on character and personality and things like that.

Bill Engvall: Well, this table has as much character as any one of those two.

Melissa: Do you like the table, or do you not like that table?

Bill Engvall: No, I don't like the table.

Melissa: You make up you're mind!

Bill Engvall: But my point is, like, the first debate, these guys are talking money like we used to do when we were kids.
"I'll bet you 20 besquilion dollars." It's like, what the hell is that? I don't know how much money that is.
And then Gore with his, like, "The 1% of the halfest richest people --
" what the hell? You lost me.
Look at the TV and go, "Hey, Bill Engvall, this is what I'm doing for you." Okay, now I can understand.

Johnny: They keep saying a tax cut for the extremely wealthy only.
They lose me on that.

Bill: Bill, you're coming dangerously close to making my point for me.

Bill Engvall: But my point --

[ Laughter ]

Well --

[ Applause ]

Bill: Bill, these --

Bill Engvall: But, my point is I'm trying --
I'm reading everything I can get my hands on, and I'm trying to --
in fact, I even went on this Website that gave you questions and you filled out the answer and it would tell you which candidate you were more like.

Bill: Well, what's important to you?

Melissa: What did it tell you?

Bill Engvall: Somebody named Daley.
I don't even know who he is.

Bill: Who?

Bill Engvall: Some guy that's running, but they said, well, you're more like so and so.
But that's what I'm trying to figure out, but I don't think you can say people that haven't made their mind up are morons.

Bill: I think you're on a porn site.

[ Laughter ]

What is important to you?

Melissa: Honestly, if right now, four weeks before the election, you haven't figured out what is important to you and identified it with either candidate or a third party candidate or some guy named Daley, then, honestly, what's wrong with you?

Bill: Daley, I think, is Gore's campaign manager.
That's the mayor Daley in Chicago?

Bruce: I think people are basing it on who's the better actor.
And unfortunately Gore is a terrible Boris Karloff school of acting kind of --

[ Laughter ]

Bill: He is.

[ Applause ]

Yes.

Bruce: And Bush --
Bush has this great Andy Griffith thing going for him.
You know? And this great --
which Alan Simpson was a master of.

Johnny: Bush looks like he can't believe his luck that he got this far.

[ Laughter ]

He's like a startled pigeon.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce: I keep waiting for him to hear him say, "You're slicker than owl crap on a sycamore," you know, and sit back and I got this thing going.
And it's really a shame, because we do know the issues.
I mean, we're inundated with it for so long that we're basing it on who's the better actor.
And that's why he's sort of slipping now.
And it makes me sick.

Bill: See, this is why I'm ticked off at the undecided, because this thing has been going on since the last Middle East war it seems.
I mean, certainly the primaries.
I mean, elections in this country take two years now.
That's how long these guys have been doing it.
In civilized countries they --
how long is it? They stand for --

Johnny: You're talking Britain, you're not talking civilized countries.

Bill: Yeah, but it takes, like, six weeks, right?

Johnny: No, it's really --
it's over before it even begins.

Bill: And that's all you need.
And these people are like last-minute Christmas shoppers.
The deal is not going to get any better.

Bruce: Right.

Bill Engvall: But, what does it matter? What does it matter that they make up their minds at the last minute? What is it --

Melissa: How could you not have done it by now when they've been out there for two years?

Bill Engvall: But, that's not my question.
What does it matter? If they make a decision, they make a decision on the --

[ All talking at once ]

Johnny: What part of your daily life have you not understood?

Bill: It elongates this arduous process --

Bill Engvall: We gotta go through it anyway.

Bill: --
Of picking the least-painful liar.
And I would like to shorten that process.

Melissa: If they'd just stop being stupid, we could have six weeks of elections.\E

Bill Engvall: Well, yeah, one day you have a one-day campaign.
Then boom.

Bill: But, what is important? What has not been said that you think is forthcoming from these two pandering dipsticks?
[ Laughter ]

Bruce: Yeah.

Bill: What are you waiting for them to do? I don't know what you think they're --

Melissa: Well, they're not master debaters.
They're not gonna say anything more interesting.

Bill Engvall: Maybe they say they're undecided, but maybe people just wanna say who they're gonna vote for.
What does it matter if you know who I'm gonna vote for?
[ All talking at once ]

Melissa: --
That's a whole different answer.
So that doesn't count.

Johnny: All Bush and Gore have got left for them right now --
all's they've got left is a few more insults in advertisements.
That's it.
There's no great revelations.

Bill: I'm gonna vote for Ralph Nader, not that I agree with everything he says, just because I think we have to break this monopoly --

Johnny: Well, imagine Ralph solving the Middle East crisis.

Bill: But, I mean, seriously, what other place in American life do they only offer you two choices? If there was only two cars? Would you live in this country if there was only two brands of soap or toothpaste? And yet all we have is bore and gush? I gotta take another commercial.
We will be right back.

[ Applause ]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow when our guests will be --
"Dawson's Creek" star James Van Der Beek, actor and comedian Chris Hardwick, from MTV's "The Real World" Julie Stofer, and from "Rock For Life" Bryan Kemper.

[ Applause ]

Bill: All right, we were talking about the election.
Now here's a demographic you don't hear pandered to a lot.
The quadriplegic hunters I wanna talk about, because I saw this in the paper.
Show this picture.
I hope you can see this, it's a black-and-white photo.
But it's a kid who's a paraplegic who's out there hunting, 'cause there's nothing that says back to the nature like a wheelchair in the brush.

[ Laughter ]

And I was surprised to learn from this article --
there are 500,000 disabled hunters.
And they even have a group --
everyone does nowadays --
called Buck Masters.
And this kid, like many like him, can go into the forest and he shoots by blowing into a tube, like, you know Christopher Reeve has that tube to --
so he's literally blowing away Bambi.

[ Laughter ]

And he shoots there.
Now, I have heard and seen a lot of twisted things in this twisted country, but this takes the gosh darn cake.

Johnny: I'm all for equality and all that, but it is daft.
I mean, if you're gonna level the playing field and you go up there with your machine gun in a wheelchair, well, then what would you be hunting? Three-legged bunny rabbits?

Bill Engvall: The subject is, should this kid be allowed to hunt? If he wants to hunt, and he has the right to, it is legal, it is a --

[ All talking at once ]

Bill Engvall: Yes, it is bizarre that there's a wheelchair with a gun.
But they have done this because this kid wants to hunt, they've built this --
the kid has to pass a safety test.
He has to be able --
you're laughing.
This guy has to be --
see, this was not meant to be funny.
This kid, just like --
I hunt.

Johnny: In case he runs over any animals on the way to the hunt?

Bill Engvall: No, no, no.
See, this is where it gets all --
you can't do that.
Then why don't we just close all the handicap ski camps, too, where the kids have to --
who are just as dangerous, they can run over somebody and break their neck, too?

Melissa: And from what I understand, the majority of the people engaging in hunting from wheelchairs or whatever are people that did it before they were injured and in wheelchairs.

Bill Engvall: Yeah, it's not like they took a kid and went, "Hey, go shoot something."

Melissa: They have a general understanding of what it's about.

Bruce: I mean, if you're gonna have that, I mean, there are a lot of women that are taking handicapped parking places now that are pregnant.

Melissa: Well, that's not a handicap.

Bruce: Yes, it is.
I mean --
well, it's a slippery slope.
I mean, you can mount some machine guns on your car now.

[ Laughter ]

Bill Engvall: No that's --

Melissa: I don't get the correlation between that.

Johnny: You're gonna have to disable the animals to catch them and kill them.

Bill: Why not just --

Bruce: Why not just put all hunters in wheelchairs?

Johnny: You'd hear that poor soul coming a mile away.

Bill Engvall: So you're gonna go tell this little kid who wants to hunt --

Bill: Yes, I would.

Bill Engvall: --
"Sorry, you can't"?

Bill: I would say, "You know what?"

Bill Engvall: You know what, Bill? I love you and I watch your show, and --

[ Laughter ]

And to quote you, "It's legal, get over it."

Bill: Well, I don't think I ever said that.

[ Applause ]

"It's legal, get over it."

Bill Engvall: It's legal, accept it.

Bill: What are you talking about? Like that's my catch phrase?

Bill Engvall: No, I've just heard you say that several times.

Bill: About what?

Bill Engvall: On the abortion issue.

Bill: Oh, okay.

Johnny: A disability is a disability.
Period, the end.
It's a disability.

Bill Engvall: And this kid should have the right to do what he wants to.
He should have the right or the ability --

Johnny: Nobody's denying that.
But, come on.
It's just --

Melissa: I don't think that they're even talking about taking government money to make special roads in forests and stuff like that.

Bill Engvall: No, this is through private donations.

Melissa: Totally private.
Who the hell cares?

Johnny: The bunnies.

Melissa: Well, there's gonna be nonparalyzed people shooting the bunnies, too.

Bill Engvall: You guys are making this sound like this kid is running his wheelchair going --

[ Feigning machine gun fire ]


[ Laughter ]

He's hunting.

Bill: But he's not hunting! He's in a wheelchair! I mean, it's sick enough.

Bill Engvall: What is hunting?

Bill: It's a coward sport, and it's not even a sport.

Bill Engvall: No, no, no.

Bill: Of course it is.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a cowardly act.

Bill Engvall: Do you know what? If it wasn't for hunting, none of us would be here.
Because 200 years ago, you had to hunt to survive.

Johnny: That was then, this is now.

Bill Engvall: I will give you that.
I hunt.
But we have a rule at my house, you don't shoot what you don't eat.
And I hunt for meat.

Bill: First of all, mankind never had to hunt to survive.

Bill Engvall: Yes, they did.

Bill: They did not.
Only if you wanted to eat meat.

Bruce: Shellfish.
They ate shellfish.

Bill: Yes, of course.
They ate fruit.
We're a frugivorous people.
That's why we don't have big incisors like canines.
We have molars to mash soft fruit.

Johnny: I do.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: And then there was the agricultural revolution, which allowed us to grow food and sit around while it grew.

Bill Engvall: Where does it stop? We're picking fruit off a plant, it's a living thing, right?

Bill: Well --

Melissa: Can people in wheelchairs do that?

Bill Engvall: Where do you draw the line? That's my point.

Bill: I do draw the line there.
I think a tomato is different than a deer.
I do, I'm crazy.

[ Laughter ]

Bill Engvall: But it's a living thing, though.

Bill: But, talk about drawing the line, why do you draw the line at just paraplegic hunters? Why not let the dead hunt? We could drop coffins from trees on a passing herd of elk.
Or maybe they could do it from a modem.

Bruce: Or arm the animal.

Bill: You know, they could just type it in and then something in the forest would kill.
Because, you know, when you are --

[ Talking at once ]

Bill: You wanna kill more, don't ya?

Bill Engvall: The fact that you can say this with a straight face just kills me.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Well, I gotta take a commercial.