Bill: All right.
Welcome to "Politically Incorrect." Let me introduce you to our panel.
Over here we have Mr. Tom Wilkinson.
He is the winner of the New York Film's Critics Best Actor award.
Wow.
Congratulations.

Tom: Thank you.

[ Applause ]

Bill: And the Independent Spirit Award for "In The Bedroom." Tara Setmayer is over here, a Republican strategist.
Welcome aboard.
And the CEO of Universal Strategies Group.
Of course, to my left, Mr. Johnny Lydon, the pioneer of punk, the original Sex Pistol.
And next to him, his constant male companion --

[ Laughter ]

--
Peter Boyle.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Peter: We just met.
We just met.

Bill: Let me give you a few credits.
He, of course, may get an Oscar for "Monster's Ball." He certainly would deserve it.
And he's on "Everybody Loves Raymond" Monday's at 9:00 on CBS.
Now you can applaud for everybody.

[ Applause ]

Okay.
All right.
I wanna have a theme show tonight.
That's never worked out so far in nine years.
But the theme would be living in the manner in which they've become accustomed.
You know that phrase? It struck me the other day, because I was reading about the money that goes to the settlement to the victims from the World Trade Center.
You know, $4.8 billion --
that's a lot of cash --
from the federal government, taxpayers.
So we do have a right to talk about it.
It goes to these folks.
They certainly deserve money.
Now, they get a lot of other money from other sources --
charities, airline insurance and so forth.
But almost $5 billion from us.
So I think I have a right to weigh in here when I say that the final settlements being determined by a sliding scale based on lifetime projected earnings.

John: Yes, wonderful.

Bill: I don't like that.
It means that the stock --

John: I mean, who's pharaoh and who isn't.
You know what that is?

Bill: Who's pharaoh?

John: Yes.
The rich are rich in death, and the poor are poor in death.
You not sharing the money on equal levels.

[ Applause ]

Bill: No, you're not.

[ Applause ]


[ Talking over each other ]

John: --
To being dead, you're still perpetrating the same [ bleep ]

system, that money makes you a better person.

Tara: That's not true.

John: Is that not right?

Tara: I don't think that that's what the system is doing at all.

John: Yes --
country, you don't count.

[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]

Tara: That's not true.
You're not an American, you don't count.
You're not a taxpayer in this country, so I guess you don't count.

John: Excuse me, I pay more tax than you.
Now don't you go there, baby!
[ Laughter ]

Tara: You're contradicting yourself.
But anyway.

John: Wrong.
Wrong.
Don't accuse me of anything.

[ Laughter ]

Unless you know what you're talking about.

[ Audience oohs ]

Tara: I do know what I'm talking about.

John: I'm having fun.
And you want to be a nasty-ass, support the
[ Bleep ] support the rich system person.

Tara: I never said that.

John: That's fine for you.

[ Applause ]

Tara: You're rich.

John: When people die, anybody who dies deserves exactly the same as anybody else.
We are equal in all things!

Tara: I never said differently.

[ Cheers ]

John: Death being the most important!
[ Cheers and applause ]

And don't you screw with that! I'm really annoyed about that! I am.

Bill: John, I noticed.
You usually don't come out of your shell until the second segment.

[ Laughter ]

John: It matters to me.
I don't like people to be disrespected that way.

Bill: Well, all right.
But let her talk so you don't disrespect her though.

Tara: Thank you.

[ Audience ohs ]

Thank you very much.

[ Applause ]


[ Talking over each other ]

Tara: That little rant and rave sounded kinda like self-hatred, because, I mean, he has money, and he's talking about people are equal and all that --
anyway.
But when we set up for the victim's fund the way it is on a sliding scale, I think if you were to just cap that money, then it wouldn't be fair to the people who --
you know, even though you have people with $500,000 a year stockbroker --

John: They die in debt and pass the debt.

Tara: No, not at all.
I mean, everyone died.
Everyone died equally.
But what you do is, if you didn't have it on the sliding scale, then again you're going to --

John: I understand.

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let her finish.
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

Tara: It's not fair for --
it's not fair for the $500,000 a year stockbroker's family to not be able to get the potential earnings benefit that he would have.

Bill: Wait, whoa, what?

Tara: No, no, no.
I'm just saying --

Bill: I don't understand this.

Tara: And then if you have somebody else that earned $20,000 dollars a year, then it's fair that way because you're basing it on what their potential earnings were.

Bill: But isn't death the great equalizer here?

John: This is why I'm annoyed, Bill.

Bill: I get it.

[ Laughter ]

I think we get --

John: I wasn't aware.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: I know.
You've been a little vague on where you stand.

[ Laughter ]

John: All right.
Good.

Bill: But actually I'm with you.
But if you keep talking, I'm probably gonna lose me.
But yeah, I would be on his side.
I mean, I don't understand why --
okay, in life, the stockbroker made more than the busboy on Windows On The World.
But, in the death, they got this $4.8 billion fund.
I don't understand why they don't take that money and divide it equally between everybody who died.

[ Applause ]


[ Talking over each other ]

Bill: To get back to where I was, just let me re-ask the question.

John: I know, Bill --

Bill: Where is it written that we all have to maintain the lifestyle of which we have become accustomed?

John: To support the system.

Bill: Yes.
Peter Boyle?

Peter: But people don't realize it costs a lot of money to be rich.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: That's a great quote.

Peter: And the richer you are, the more it costs.
Because I saw a house in the Sunday paper, it said it was $48 million.

Bill: Yeah.

Peter: I mean, you got to be rich to buy that house.

Bill: You really do.

Peter: They're not fooling around.
We're beyond middle class here.

John: All you need to do is die and you could have two.

Peter: If I die, my house would be in heaven with the Lord.

[ Talking over each other ]

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Talking over each other ]

Tom: You could work out a system of equal shares for everybody.
And then you could work in various other sort of protocols, led by people who got 12 children, and they get some more money.
And it sort of works out there.
It's preposterous to give rich people such a load of money.

Bill: The cost of living, but this is dieing.

[ Talking over each other ]

Tara: It's capped though at $240,000.
There is a cap there for that reason.

Bill: I know.
But why should anyone get more than the next guy.

Tara: Well, then what's the point? It's compensation for what? To help these people continue to live, or what?

John: Well that would be a good idea.

Tara: It's not to quantify their grief.

Bill: But excuse me.

[ Bleep ] happened to all of them.

Tara: That's true.
And we're not trivializing that in any way.
I don't believe that you're trivializing this in any way if you are on an equal scale.
Whatever --
this is what they earned, and this is what they get.
We're gonna cap it at a certain amount.
It's not like someone is gonna get $10 million.
And you're distributing over $4.8 billion.
Everyone's gonna be taken care of.

[ Talking over each other ]

Tara: And that's subtracted from this.
The insurance policies and their pensions are subtracted from the federal money.
So the people who have their insurance policies in place, that money is subtracted from the federal money.

John: It's a wonderful system you have.

Peter: But if you're like a stockbroker and you had two little kids and you lived on the East side of Manhattan and you had a place in the Hamptons and you had a car and you kept it.
If you had like the things that ordinary people in Indiana and New Jersey accept as middle class, it would cost you much more because of where you live.
I mean, again I'm getting back to the point, you know, it costs --

Bill: But life has never been presented as a sure bet.

John: Yes.

Bill: What law of nature or government says that you always have to maintain --

Peter: Nothing.
But one of the major industries that we have is insurance, which is --

John: Ah.
Which the Republican Party are well aware of.

[ Laughter ]

Peter: I like this guy.

Bill: Kind of meaningless, but it sounds important the way he said it, doesn't it?

Tara: Yeah, I know.
Okay.

Bill: All right.
We'll take a break.
We'll be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bill: Well, it's now official.
Afghanistan is pretty much the poorest, brokenest country ever.
The United Nations is appealing for donations.
The country is down to its last --
get this --
$90,000.
A country worth $90,000.
This is, of course, due to 20 years of war, famine and they bought Enron stock.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: All right.
Let us continue our theme of living in the style we have become accustomed to.
In the paper today, it says, "Doctor's new practices offer deluxe service for a deluxe fee." Now, as we all know, there is I don't know how many million Americans, the last time I checked it was almost 40 million, who have no health insurance at all.
And most people are dissatisfied, in some way, with their HMOs.
Well, here's a solution --
For the rich, anyway.
If you pay, then those plans that go from $1,500 for a year to $20,000, you can get the doctor to, listen to this, give you 'round the clock cell phone access, same-day appointments, nutrition and exercise exams at patients' homes or at health clubs and the doctors will accompany you to a specialist and hold your hand.
They call it concierge or boutique service.
Now, I think, like everything in life, medical care is finite.
There are only so many doctors.
They keep it at a minimum to keep the fees high.
Isn't this going to, at some point, lower the standard of medical care, which is already low for a lot of people, so that these people, these yuppies, these baby boomers, these people with a lot of disposable income, can afford hand holding?

Tara: What's wrong with that? What's with wrong with having --
if people want to pay for a service --
in supply-side economics, if there is demand for this, and they provide a service --

Bill: We're talking about basic health now.

Tara: If they have the money, if they're willing to do it, that's their right.
In this country, if you're a millionaire or a billionaire --

Bill: Even if other people go --

Tara: But health care is not a right in this country, it's a service.
Some people might want to socialize it, but it's not.
It is not a right.

John: You hear that?

Tara: Health care is not a right, I'm sorry.

[ Audience boos]

Bill: You're right.

[ Talking over each other ]

Tara: When you have competition and people want to --

Bill: It is a right in most industrialized nations.

Tara: When you have competition, then you have better quality care.
Excuse me?

Bill: It is a right in most industrialized nations.
Most countries --

John: I can't believe you said that.
That's the most awful thing I've ever heard.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I can't wait to join your party.

[ Laughter ]

Tara: Oh, please.
No wonder we separated from the British.
But anyway --

John: That's right, you threw common sense away.

Tara: Thank God for the Revolutionary War.

John: Excuse me, but you must understand --

Tara: No, when you have a service like that, you want the best quality care.
And the best quality medical care is in this country because you have competition.

John: Yeah, but we all want that.
All of us.

Tara: Okay, then you know what? Then you need to work and earn it.

John: But we don't equate our doctors to our butler system.

[ Laughter ]

Tara: Then earn it.
In this country, you have the ability to earn things.

John: I escaped that in England.
This is what makes me exceptionally rare.
I will not --

Tara: That's not the only thing.

John: That's right.
How about honesty, and I care about everybody else.

Bill: All right.
All right, you're --

Tara: So do I.

[ Applause ]

Bill: You are exceptionally right.
Now let's hear from --
go ahead.

Peter: In between being rich or poor, there's a need, there's a middle way for everybody, which is schmoozing.

[ Light laughter ]

Getting to know your doctor, inviting him to dinner --

John: And get a better deal.

Peter: --
Going on vacation with him or trying alternate therapies.
I mean, aromatherapy, you know.

John: Anything except medication.

Tom: I think it's counterproductive because, look, there's a finite number of doctors in the country.
Some of them, a good percentage sounds like it, are going to go under this scheme.
A lot of their clients are going to be phoning them up every ten minutes because they like to feel that they've got a doctor --

Tara: That's their choice.

[ Talking over each other ]

Tara: But I honestly don't believe that there's going to be a mass exodus of doctors to this.

Bill: Oh, come on.

Tara: There's only so many people who can afford this.
So, I mean, do you honestly think that --

Bill: Are you kidding? You don't think people can afford $5,000 a month? Oh, please.

Tara: I'm saying not to the point where it's going to completely compromise the entire medical system.
I don't believe that.

Bill: Oh, I do.
Doctors all feel that they have gotten screwed in the last ten years, and they have a case.
I mean, they are not practicing the way that they thought they might be practicing.
And they are restricted by bureaucracy, and they are fed up.
And I think they are going to jump at this chance.
And I think, when doctors are 'round-the-call on the cell phone when they are --

Peter: What about 12 hours instead of 24 hours?
[ Light laughter ]

Tara: I don't know.
Some of those manic people like around here that have money will call their doctors 24 hours a day, they might reconsider.
So, I don't know.
They might change it again.

John: It's funny to think that opinions could require money.
But you seem to equate everything with money.

Tara: No, that's just the theme of the show.
I don't.
I think it's rather ironic that every single person but myself on this panel has more money than me.
And you all are totally against people with money.

[ Talking over each other ]

John: I don't see how you can think the medical industry should be dedicated toward pampering.

Tara: That is their right to do that.
That's where the demand is, and let's do that.

John: Well, then I would like to see that clearly explained.
Beause as far as I know about America, and I have decided to live here because it's the home of the free thought.
Well, I would like a thought put to that assumption that you've made that money means you get what you want, no money means you don't count.

Tara: That's not true at all.
Nobody ever said that.

Peter: You have to have something to work for.

John: Where's the ambition?
[ Talking over each other ]

Peter: The desire to stay alive and to come up with that $5,000 a month just to have a --
you know, to schmooze it at 11:00 P.M., right after the news, when you need to talk to your doctor the most.

[ Laughter ]

You hear the news, the stock market's down, there's another war, there's a terrorist attack in Brooklyn --

Tom: You'll have people inventing illnesses.
"There's nothing wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with me this month, I've got to invent something."

Peter: 'Cause you're an actor.
You're an actor, and a damn good one.

[ Talking over each other ]

Bill: All right, all right, all right! You're all talking at once.
You're giving me a headache.
We'll take a break.
I'm going to have to go to the doctor.

[ Applause ]

Bill: The Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that it's okay in the state of Idaho --
get this --
to drive under the influence of marijuana as long as you're driving safely and can pass the field sobriety test.
Because it came out that erratic driving by marijuana users is caused not by the drug but rather by when the cell phone rings, and they answer their burrito.

[ Laughter ]


[ Applause ]

Okay, all right.
Continuing our theme.
I am going to do it.
I'm going to do a theme show.
I was reading yesterday about Kirk Kerkorian.
If you don't know who he is, he's one of the richest men in the world.
He's worth billions and billions of dollars.
He married somebody, Lisa Kerkorian --

Peter: Is she, by any chance, a dancer?

Bill: No, she was --

Peter: Many years his junior?

Bill: She is many years his junior, but he's 84, who isn't? He married her, they were married for 28 days.
She gave him the best 28 days of her life.
And they're now fighting over child custody.
They have a little baby.
She wanted to get married to give the baby legitimacy, she said, 'cause nowadays, of course, there's nobody ever born out of wedlock.
Okay, so they're fighting over what the child support payment should be, by the monthly.
Should it be $35,000 a month? That's what's in the prenuptial, and you can't raise a kid on that.

Tara: God forbid.

Bill: 50,000 grand a month, as they agreed to in the divorce settlement? $75,000 a month as he actually paid for the last year? Or what she's asking for --
$320,000 a month? That sounds more reasonable to me.
And she said, "He promised to always take care of Kira's every need.
The word need never meant basic needs "--
$50,000 --
"But what was required to maintain her in the station of life --
" yadda, yadda, yadda.
And I think we understand.
$50,000 a month just doesn't cut it.
In fact, she said that.
She said, right here, "$50,000, it can't be done on $50,000 a month." How do you --
I mean --

[ Laughter ]

I guess my question is --
who's more screwed up, this kid or someone raised by a crackhead mom?

John: The whole idiot legal system.
The whole idiot system that allows that kind of nonsense to be thrown at you as a problem.
She can't work it out a $50,000 a month? Well, I think everyone in this room could.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know? Bill, all I'm saying is it was a relationship that went wrong.
Don't get tacky and bring it down to --

Bill: Johnny, you don't know what her monthly expenses are.
$144,000 for travel.
The kid is 3.

[ Laughter ]

You can drive her around the block and say you were in Paris.

Peter: Charter jets are expensive.

Bill: Charter jets --

John: Look, I came here in a truck, right? And I'm a pop star.

[ Laughter ]

Get real.
You shouldn't even be considering this in a real world that this is news.
It's lunacy is what it is.
You can spend your money all you like.

Bill: $436 for care of her bunny.
I don't know what the welfare payment is --

John: I want to know what the bunny --

Peter: The bunny's a guy named Vito in a bunny suit.

[ Light laughter ]


[ Applause ]

"Where's my $124,000?"

Tom: It says, "Bunny and other pets."

Bill: Oh, you're right.
"Bunny and other pets." Yeah, my bad.
I'm making something out of nothing.
$14,000 for parties.

Peter: Hors d'oeuvres cost a lot.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: She's 3.
Sinatra didn't spend $14,000 for parties in his heyday.

Peter: But he would if he were alive now.

John: But he's not 'cause he didn't pay the extra $4,000.

Peter: True.

[ Laughter and applause ]

He's got a point.

Bill: $4,300 for food at home plus $5,900 to eat out.
Hello?

Peter: You gotta tip.
You gotta tip.

Bill: Chuck-E-Cheese.

Peter: You gotta tip, these people expect it.
And she lives in Las Vegas, too, right? That's an expensive place.

Tom: If she has to spend $320,000 every month or she loses it or whether it accumulates.
You know, they have to take the kid to school by airplane via London.
They have keep her awake 24 hours a day in order to spend the money.
"Have another party.
Come on, wake up, it's time for another party."
[ Laughter ]

Bill: Johnny Rotten's gonna lead a revolution of the poor, and all of our heads are going to be on a plate.

John: No, no, no.
None of us should be poor, we should all be not treated disgustingly by --

Bill: We have to take a break 'cause I gotta make some money.

[ Applause ]

Bill: I'd just like to say, I also pay $400 a month to feed a bunny.
Her name is Heather, and she's going to be Miss^June.

[ Laughter ]


[ Cheers and applause ]